Its almost a year and a half later and I can finally bring myself to continue my blog. Ive been putting it off thinking it will get easier to recall the worst day of my life, the day we said goodbye to my son.
He spent 6 days in the Cardiac ICU. He was so sick! He was poked over 40 times one day trying to get his central lines in for the medicine he needed for his precious heart. He had art-lines in, he had feeding tubes, his breathing tube. My poor baby had wires all over him. Chad called his medicine pole the christmas tree from hell. We couldn't hold him because he was so sensitive to things, he was actually in a medical coma so he would stay stable. They had him ready to be listed for a heart transplant. We met with the transplant team, the social workers, we went through rigorous questioning to make sure we could handle a child and his medical needs if he got a heart.
On Feb 8th Hudson was given his baby blessing in the hospital. It wasnt an ideal place to do it but we wanted him to have his blessing! Chad did an amazing job. It was a very emotional blessing, luckily our family was able to be in there for it!
Feb 12th, 2014 the surgeons decided it was in his best interest to take him back to surgery and try to relieve some of the stain on his heart. They wanted to go through his aortic valve down into the Left ventricle and shave off some of the muscle that had gotten so enlarged and they also wanted to look at his mitral valve and try and shave off some the chordae they believed was positioned wrong and blocking the flow of his heart. His official diagnosis was Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy with Left ventricular outflow obstruction.
At 3:20pm we walked our sweet baby down the hallway to the surgical sweet. Chad and I walked through the doors with our baby and we kissed him goodbye not knowing it would be the last moment with him. Chad wiped a sweet tear off his eye and we kissed him goodbye. That was so hard to hand him over to the surgeons. We know it was the right thing to do and that he was in the best hands possible but I will never be able to explain the pain and the anxiety of waiting through that kind of a surgery!
About 7:00 Chad and I needed to go for a walk. All of a sudden we felt some major stress. We went for a walk on the patio and it was raining. Chad kept telling me that no matter what happened that we were going to be ok. He had to remind me that what we wanted and what the lord needed may be two different things. I think Chad had more knowledge of the lords plan than I wanted to admit to! Chad and Hudson always had a special bond and I know my little boy was preparing him for what was about to happen.
They were late on updating us and I was a wreck. I was pacing by the phone in the waiting room and my anxiety was growing quickly. I turned around and I saw the surgeon walk into the room. I could see the worry on his face! My heart sunk, I knew right then that something was terribly wrong! He took Chad and I into a private room and told us that the surgery had taken a turn for the worse. He told us that his heart was much worse than they had anticipated! His mitral valve was almost unrecognizable, he said it looked like cauliflower. And unfortunately because he was so tiny there were no replacements. But the worse part is that he bled into his lungs and they couldn't stop it. They couldn't get him off bypass. Dr Eckhauser told us that his outcome was grim and that they would never be able to get him off the bypass. He gave us the option to take him back to the ICU on Ecmo (bypass) or to let him go home and not suffer anymore. Chad and I decided right then that his fight here on earth was over. We knew he tried his hardest and that he stayed here with us as long as he could! Thankfully although that was the most difficult decision at the same time it was the easiest. I didn't want him suffering anymore.
At 8:45pm our little boy returned to his heavenly father. I picture my sweet boy running into his heavenly fathers arms and receiving a huge hug. He fought a good fight and our heavenly father has bigger plans and a bigger mission for our sweet angel. We will miss you our sweet angel! Your 71 days of life changed me for the better and you touched more people in your short lifetime than I ever will in my long life! Until we meet again sweet boy!